State of mind

I'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell i know, right now you can't tell... but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see, how i used to be...


current state of mind: messed up. one big pot of grey matter stew... one might call it... blah..

my happiest line today: AANNNNDDDD AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEAAAAIIIII WILLL ALWAYSSS LOVE YOUUUUU.... XD


my heart is questioning, wondering, deducing, plotting, rebuking, replanning, focusing, running away, and holding on, and oh so many other things... here i shall try to express my feelings in a most unbiased way lol.. he said 'unbiased'... lol...


today i watched, thought and stared. some points i let myself go, but some i held on. and man it sucks.
yeng ah.. i reli duno wat u thinking... i reli dunno how to respond to u.. right now wat my heart needs is healing frm God. filling of His Spirit in me... with the wolves standing at the door of my heart, id given and committed myself to God... and may He lead me in my days. but it's not easy.. i see them everyday. fb.. face to face.. on my contact list. i just want to smash all these into pieces. i want to live life where i don't have to hunch. where i can look a person in the eye... and should God allow, to find back that especially precious person... the one who stood by me... the one whom still stands by... God may she see that I love her.. renew this love everyday God. don't just wonder whr she is, wat she's doing, who she's with... pray for her, bless her, pray for God's peace and comfort upon her. REMEMBER.....
 

got lighting n thunder.. sked sked... hahahaha... i shall go slp now.. tmr need to move hse.

Who am I?

Who am i? What do i want? What is my burden? I don't know myself anymore.. There's so much head knowledge.. so much knowledge I've wasted without applying them in life.. Knowledge of who God is.. knowledge of Maths and Physics.. of Managing my time.. of bringing the best out of everything i put my hands to work on.. I'm just wasting my life.. I know.. I loved my girlfriend.. i know... but i cheated.. why? i don't know.. i know its the ONE thing she cannot tahan. but why did i still do it? Why? I knew cheating was wrong.. why? all these useless knowledge. 

I'm full of hot air. I'm the thunder which can only be heard.. but there's no lightning to be seen.. I'm the footsteps that never reach the bottom of the stairs.. When will i wake up? when will i walk this world the way only i'm capable of? When when will i show all of my potential? I don't know... 

If u asked me.. Knowledge is power. I adore knowledge. I pursue wisdom. But I am only a fool in the end.. because I misuse my knowledge. A wise man knows when he is wrong, and strives to right his ways. A fool doesn't; even if he does he strives to maintain his wicked ways. In the end there is only destruction waiting for him. 

I wish someone would gimme a kick in d ass and shout BUCK UP.. hahaha.. But God has already opened the door. I've to walk through it... 

Don't stop moving Jian.

Thoughts...

The reason i started this blog was to have a place of penning down my thoughts. And for awhile now i haven't really got anything to say... But i'm kinda bored now so yeah.. XD 

Only been 2 weeks since new year's.. quite some stuff's been happening. I don't share much, but i don't intend to hide either.. So peeps.. don't think i anti-social k? U just gotta ask XP

Some stuff i'd been thinking about.. 

- studies.. almost stopped MMU, cuz parents wanted me back.. but after 2 weeks discussion back in Nov, they decided to let me stay on.. change course to IT... so i tried to apply LOA, n switch course.. but now, LOA rejected, status dismissed, and now GG lor... I'm going campus to get things settled tmr... hopefully things will go fine... 

- CF.. wonder about cf lately.. yes its not the same as it used to.. yes things used to be more family.. but there's no point just reminiscing and not doing anything bout it.. sad to say i haven't been doing my part as a senior that well either.. with the examples i'm setting i doubt anything good'll come frm that... There's a lack of love and unity in cf.. there's bullying, verbal bullying.. c'mon la.. CF is family.. a place of broken hearts and souls.. a place where nobody's perfect. sure la there'll be weird ppl. if u can't handle den avoid nie lor.. there's others who can handle.. where's your right to talk behind the fella's back? i hope u grad and never come back.. cf'll be a better place then.. 

- ROC.. disappointed in myself.. could've done a much, much, much better job as a scriptwriter/senior/director... i've learnt a whole lot through this year's play.. i've learnt how to deal with people.. how to organize something.. how important it is to plan ahead.. how prayer and plans walk hand in hand... and again, i wished I've learnt these things sooner.. for myself as a scriptwriter i feel that i've failed to lead the people to love one another, and support each other, as well as support the directors... due to events throughout the play. even on the last day of the event itself. i've not gonna say much, but things are still hanging. apology has not been made. man up and do it man.. =.=.. but i guess i can't say anything bout it either.. lacked courage to bring it up during post mortem today.. felt so hanging man.. so unsatisfied.. - my room is really HOT right now cuz the fan cacat and i don't wanna turn it on.. =.=.. plus the rental's really exp.. owner can u make it cheaper bit ar? T.T.. 

- Yeng... many things happened in the past few months.. it's been a rough ride down choppy waters.. but i'm glad we're still persevering on the road to *ahemahem* together as partners.. i really pikchik right now cuz our calls can't get through and we decided to talk tonight.. wan die liao hahaha.. if u ever read this you'll noe if i missed out anything during our talk tonight(if we manage) or tmr.. XD.. I love you, take care leh.. T.T.. 

That's all for now.. some of the things i said might be sensitive somewhat.. if i've said anything wrong that you wish to discuss or confront me about, msg me on fb.. or call me out for makan.. Medan for lunch den we talk talk.. =) 

Here's a picture of a cat:

Puzzled?

So we didn't talk for the big part of the day.. maybe that turned u off. or maybe something happened, and you don't wanna tell me.. just wanna let my steam off here.

i'm so friggin FRUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh.

so anyway mlk camp just over.
ps jo asked wat d camp did for me.. honestly nothing much.. again it's up to me in d end to take the 1st step. so weird eh relationships.. be it with God or with men.. you gotta take the initiative.

so with that i'm off to call you and see if you'll talk to me summore.. =P

Journey

looking back.. we really didn't have anything much in common. but somehow, you walked into my life.. and years later.. we end up walking hand in hand. although we may have different strides, and i might trip over my clumsy feet once awhile.. I'm glad to have you by my side, always pulling up on my feet. i cannot express enough my gratitude and love for you who've always been there for me. I am not ashamed to declare my love for you, Symone Lee Yeng Yeng. =)

Fail.

There comes a point in a person's life when he has failed enough.
what's the point???

what's the point???

i give up.... i just want to let go.. it hurts every time.. it hurts..

What needs to be restored..

Sorry if my posts have been so mushy of late.. been in a lovesick mood lately.. blame it all on yeng yeng.. =P

Last Sunday's sermon really made an impact on my perspective of life.. if not others as well.. it talks about restoration.. of relationships.. purpose in life.. and your original calling.. many a times we become tired, frustrated.. we want to call it quits.. like in peter's case.. he quit and went back to fishing.. but Jesus showed up.. restored His relationship with him, restored his purpose as a fisher of men.. and entrusted him the command he originally intended peter for.. to feed His sheep(sheep here meaning believers and disciples)..

Like Peter, many of us will become 'lost' at certain points in our lives.. we meet dead ends.. circumstances frustrate our plans.. this is when we need restoration.. we need to remember a time.. when we knew our true calling.. when we first stepped into this boat..

And finally, we need to move forward in faith.

Back in the land of awesome popiah, longkang, and studies..

is back in melaka.. sem starts on mon.. heh..

til the day i see you
its such a dreary view
my heart longs for you
my eyes yearn to see you

i guess its just a week from now
but who cares i wanna see you now
for you're the only one who knows
how much i need you right now

maybe i'm a little awkward
maybe i'm a little weird
for saying this relationship is lovely
as lovely as you my love

yes i am in love
i definitely am
like the clouds in the sky
my feet found no land cuz i'm too high
like a balloon my heart bursts out of too much love
so much i'm afraid of drowning you
but i guess thats the same as you
for i'm already drowning in your love

~yeng~

ELEPHANT

ELEPHANT 2!!! XD

The Narrow Path...

Lying in bed tonight, a lot of thoughts ran through my mind.. life has been pleasant lately.. almost too comfortable.. just sitting in front of my laptop clicking away.. being able to speak to and see my girl everyday.. aside from finals life is like that lake in ayer keroh.. not a ripple in sight at night.. but then a thought struck me..

I'd taken my salvation for granted.. i'd lived so smoothly.. i'd forgotten about my savior.. i haven't been talking to Him, or reading His Word.. as a christian its very obvious when one doesn't have a good relationship with Jesus.. my timetable became haywire.. lack of discipline and the motivation to get up everyday.. but right now as i'm typing this, a fire seems to be stirring in my heart.. a conviction in my heart to once again pledge my life to follow His will..

I heard this in my heart a few mins ago.. which prompted me to type this.. altho i gotta wake up at 7 for service XD..

"You can ask God for whatever you want. but in the end.. the decision lies in your hands.. take control of your heart.. follow Him.. and it'll be the decision you'll never regret making."

many a times we forget that God opens doors.. but he doesn't push us through them.. we must walk through these doors on our own.. tonight i've decided to once again pick up my cross.. and follow Him.. on that narrow path heavenbound.